Sunday, August 2, 2015


At the urging of one of my BFFs and his adored consort, I went to see TRAINWRECK last night.

It's a rom-com, people:  humour, brain-candy, light entertainment. It's not rocket science, and certainly not a treatise on gender politics.  If it were, I'd be under the dining room table with a bottle of scotch right now, weeping quietly, while chasing away the bats.

Why, gentle readers?  As a woman, what lessons in love, dating, and hook-up sex did I take away from TRAINWRECK, Amy Schumer, the "feminist" comedy star's debut feature?

1. Your father, and your relationship with him, determine your future relationships with men.

2. If there's any chance you're going to be doing the walk of shame in the morning, stick a pair of flats in your purse. That way you look like less of an idiot getting on the ferry, hung-over, at 8:00 am, after your most recent toy-boy assignation.

3. Under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol, you will, on occasion, make poor sexual choices you will regret, or at least, not want to repeat. In short, choose your fuck buddies while you are still relatively sober.

4. Hot, stupid men remain stupid, and stupid gets old very quickly.

5. For some women, ladding it up is preferable to being the second wife of some guy in a pull-over, becoming a step-parent, and living in the 'burbs.  Yes, hell, yes!

6. Sleeping with a client/subject isn't always a career ending move.  Sleeping with an intern almost always is.

7. For women, certain types of very demanding jobs, and the bosses that come with them ( Tilda Swinton rules!) are fundamentally incompatible with the demands of a long-term relationship: especially if the woman with said demanding boss, is, at least occasionally, expected to be the supportive wife/girlfriend in the middle of a workday, in the middle of the week.

8. Other women, married women with kids, usually, will judge you for choosing to remain single, because they know you wouldn't want be stuck with one of their double standard wielding, pot-bellied, "keepers" for love or money, and they hate you for it.

9. Admit it, everyone wants to marry a rich, good looking, white doctor. Nothing else a North American woman achieves in her life will confer the social status of "doctor's wife".

10. If marrying a successful doctor is on your to-do list, in addition to being intelligent, attractive, funny, and having a successful career that you are willing to use to bolster his medical practice, you have to make like a cheerleader. This means you MUST be: pretty in an unaggressive, sexually non-threatening way, fit enough to look good in spandex, athletic, ingratiating, cheerful, and so desperate to land a husband, that you are willing to dance, and beg for love like a dog.

Seriously, she got the guy an article in Vanity Fair, and he didn't call her, send roses, and say thank you instantly?  He, and we should have been cheering for her success. Instead, she gets to grovel in a soft-porn costume.  If that's a happy ending, I'll take the bus.

In life, Schumer is 34, successful and single. It's that terrible age when many women realize that if they wanted to get married, they should have done it 10 years earlier, unless they are OK with being some 50 year old man's second, or third wife, or settling for a lame duck husband they'll have to carry financially, and emotionally.  The pickings, as a woman ages, are about as appealing as left-over salad bar. Yes, you can still get laid a lot, as any woman who has ever been on a dating site knows.  Finding an equal partner: that's another story.

For many women, it is often MUCH BETTER to be single, than to be married. However, all rom-coms must end with a happy couple.

So Amy, thanks for the laughs.  You're a funny, talented woman, and a damn fine actress.  He's a cute guy and if you're happy, I'm happy for you.  Just don't expect me to fist-pump, and shout "hurrah" when you put on a cheerleader costume to land the doctor.

Tonight, I'm going to rent a Mae West movie.

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